Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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