im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
