the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
