She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my being single is dangerous.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
