Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
