I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
