FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
