You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
