I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
