Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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