I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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