remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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