What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
