it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
