The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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