In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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