I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
