Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize