I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
