I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I deserve this hangover.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
