dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
