Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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