woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
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And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
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Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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