dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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