I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You can't motorboat a personality
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
