bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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