I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
