Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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