Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
