This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
