I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
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i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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