Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
