did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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