the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
