My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Pooping to opera.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
