did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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