Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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