i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Bring me that man meat
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
