Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
