I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
