there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Randomize
