The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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