So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
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Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
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Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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