New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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