Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
