One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
