You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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