What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
