I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
