we're chasing vodka with high fives
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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