allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
