Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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