I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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