It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
