My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
