so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
