I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
