You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
she peed on how many people?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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